Where I am at

I went for an HIV test yesterday. It was almost three months since I last made love to someone and after three months of total celibacy I wanted to check that I was ok, that the lies I had been told had not extended to that part of my life too. Turns out I am HIV negative and can now breathe a sigh of relief. "I am ok, I am good" I kept on repeating myself on the drive back home last night. What would I have done if that was not the case I am not sure. I certainly would have lost the chance of staying in the US. I can now look forward to a future wherever I want it in the land of the free.

So this is where I am at - a sort of ground zero of the soul, where to rebuild bigger and better memories, feelings and ideals. In the meantime I am glad to be on my own - I have sadly left Cal and his rugby posse behind. See, I cannot be with anyone whilst I still have feelings. Cal has been great, respectful of my need to be celibate (not even a kiss) and I am grateful to him. So much better on my own though , free to work on my new passions and on my friends.

And no lies, no fears, no sense that my world could collapse in a few instants. Finally free to be totally happy.

Living Las Vegas? Or should it be leaving Las Vegas?

A weekend in Las Vegas - gamble, drink, sex, food. You get the idea right? So when my friend's birthday comes up and the offer of a Las Vegas weekend materializes, I take it with both ends thinking that I would at least get a chance to see what Las Vegas is all about if not join in the sin!

My bottom line on Las Vegas? I did not enjoy it. Maybe because it's connected too closely to people and promises I wish to forget. Most probably because its excess is just beyond my comprehension. What I happened to notice was not the fun, extravagant, convivial side of this city, but the darker undertones behind the laser multicolored lights flashing in front of my eyes at an increasingly dizzying rate.

My experience was one of croupiers tired of their work, sinister supervisors always checking on their employees, the girl in the room next to mine crying all night. What made me most sad was seeing people gambling and drinking at 7 am desperate for a fix, eyes glazed over by years of a "love-hate" relationship with the slot machines, which like the worst of marriages continue on despite the profound resentment, but one that neither party has the courage to end.

I saw pain and not even winning 95 bucks at Black Jack made the experience in the least pleasurable. Leaving Las Vegas for sure - but would I ever go back?

for TrueBeijing

Hello audience and especially TrueBeijing,
I wanted first of all to thank you for reading my blog. I know that most of you know me, but some know me only through these pages - the guy at Beauchamp Financials, Dong now at Purdue, and True Beijing are just some of the most regular visitors. I appreciate your interest and wonder what makes this read so interesting to you. I hope it's because what I write reaches you somehow and I hope it does so in a positive, constructive manner.

I have shied away from talking about some of the tougher challenges in my life and I hope you will understand that I will refrain from doing so. Some of the people around me deserve their own privacy too. I though will still give you a good glimpse of who I am and how I lead my life.

So TrueBeijing, if you really want to know more about me and the school in preparation to your move feel free to send me your email address and I will reply back.

In the meantime, I would like to thank one particular member of my audience -Mr X, for being close to me and so understanding of my challenges. I have not known you for long, but you are certainly showing me that life in 2009 can be very sweet.

P.S. If you think that this blog is worth anything, then feel free to share it with anyone you like!

What it feels like to be in 2009...

Hello 2009 and to you all readers of my blog!

I surely hope that this is going to be a smasher of a year! A 2009 in which we all get in touch with our deepest desires and fears. Sounds challenging? Sure! But should we not truly live what we only dream of and quash all those demons once and for all? OK!! I know I am exaggerating -fulfilling all of your dreams is near impossible, but how about seeing some turn into reality so that you can create space for some new ones?

So I hear you ask - what about you? What are your dreams for 2009? I am trying to live healthy this year - 2008 was one in which I loved too much, ate too much, studied too much, etc etc...The loved too much piece is the one that I will struggle with the most. I have loved Dave so intensely that it almost consumed me. I am happy that we are not together now - he certainly did a lot of damage to me, to himself and to the two of us. I am happy now that I know which direction my life is taking and that I am not held at ransom by another person's challenges. It's good to feel in control and able to love myself once again and to an extent I appreciate the attention I get. Am I just "new meat" in town or what? In reality it's actually quite sad to see grown up men fall at my feet, but I am being good and politely decline their advances. I have space only for people who are healthy in my life right now and I am being given some good love right now.

So welcome 2009 - show me what good love is - since I am ready to drink it all in one big gulp -like a thirsty pilgrim on the way to Jerusalem...

A new year - a new Sunrise?

A new year in AZ was not in my predictions. I was supposed to be in San Diego first and then back to Denver. Well that was in the "DD" (During Dave) season which is now over.
I am now off to Sunrise (an Arizona ski resort) for NYE and in good company. I will be there with Laurence and Cindy and Cal. Cal is this 41 yo guy I have started to see lately. He claims that he is absolutely determined he will win me over - that is yet to see. I appreciate though the fact that he has been very respectful and that romantically has only offered to hug me by the fireplace and not more. I like that and I need that.

I will spend most of my time in Sunrise skiing and cooking with my friends- some good risotto, some steaks (though I will leave that to Cal -since he is master of the BBQ), and some of Laurence's melt in your mouth brownies.

An unexpected New Year - but one that will usher in new things for 2009.

An unexpected Christmas

Since my life has changed so much in the past few weeks, I wanted to give you an update on what my plans are for Christmas. And the good news is that I will spend it with people I love and that love me back. I am planning in fact to be with my friend Dion and his family. It's a good thing. I spent my thanksgiving with them last year and it was great - a feast of lamb, turkey, pumpkin pie, spanakopitas, shrimps, nuts, cakes, pies, and anything else you can think of! It was GOOD!
I am also making plans for NYE. I plan to go up to the slopes with my friends Laurence and Cindy and maybe a new friend I have made, Joe. Will see. I plan to take it easy and spend more time cooking and enjoying my time with my friends.
All in all - unexpected, but certainly rewarding.

life as a single man

So I am single again - I think you all know by now. It was my choice and so I cannot complain. I just wish I did not have to go through the whole process of rejecting advances and say no to the usual suspects who could not wait for me to be single again.

Two guys especially...boy are just driving me insane with their requests for coffees masked under the pretense of wanting to be my friends. I really don't have it in me to confront them and yet I know that I wished they left me alone. I have told one that I am seeing someone already to stop his requests - I hope he gets it. The other one is more complicated - the courtship is way more subtle and he really is a good guy...just I don't know why me when he knows that my type of guy is completely different. I guess I will match his care with a good dose of tact and humor. Eventually I will be dating again, so I guess he will get it then.