I went for an HIV test yesterday. It was almost three months since I last made love to someone and after three months of total celibacy I wanted to check that I was ok, that the lies I had been told had not extended to that part of my life too. Turns out I am HIV negative and can now breathe a sigh of relief. "I am ok, I am good" I kept on repeating myself on the drive back home last night. What would I have done if that was not the case I am not sure. I certainly would have lost the chance of staying in the US. I can now look forward to a future wherever I want it in the land of the free.
So this is where I am at - a sort of ground zero of the soul, where to rebuild bigger and better memories, feelings and ideals. In the meantime I am glad to be on my own - I have sadly left Cal and his rugby posse behind. See, I cannot be with anyone whilst I still have feelings. Cal has been great, respectful of my need to be celibate (not even a kiss) and I am grateful to him. So much better on my own though , free to work on my new passions and on my friends.
And no lies, no fears, no sense that my world could collapse in a few instants. Finally free to be totally happy.
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2 comments:
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