Where I am at

I went for an HIV test yesterday. It was almost three months since I last made love to someone and after three months of total celibacy I wanted to check that I was ok, that the lies I had been told had not extended to that part of my life too. Turns out I am HIV negative and can now breathe a sigh of relief. "I am ok, I am good" I kept on repeating myself on the drive back home last night. What would I have done if that was not the case I am not sure. I certainly would have lost the chance of staying in the US. I can now look forward to a future wherever I want it in the land of the free.

So this is where I am at - a sort of ground zero of the soul, where to rebuild bigger and better memories, feelings and ideals. In the meantime I am glad to be on my own - I have sadly left Cal and his rugby posse behind. See, I cannot be with anyone whilst I still have feelings. Cal has been great, respectful of my need to be celibate (not even a kiss) and I am grateful to him. So much better on my own though , free to work on my new passions and on my friends.

And no lies, no fears, no sense that my world could collapse in a few instants. Finally free to be totally happy.

Living Las Vegas? Or should it be leaving Las Vegas?

A weekend in Las Vegas - gamble, drink, sex, food. You get the idea right? So when my friend's birthday comes up and the offer of a Las Vegas weekend materializes, I take it with both ends thinking that I would at least get a chance to see what Las Vegas is all about if not join in the sin!

My bottom line on Las Vegas? I did not enjoy it. Maybe because it's connected too closely to people and promises I wish to forget. Most probably because its excess is just beyond my comprehension. What I happened to notice was not the fun, extravagant, convivial side of this city, but the darker undertones behind the laser multicolored lights flashing in front of my eyes at an increasingly dizzying rate.

My experience was one of croupiers tired of their work, sinister supervisors always checking on their employees, the girl in the room next to mine crying all night. What made me most sad was seeing people gambling and drinking at 7 am desperate for a fix, eyes glazed over by years of a "love-hate" relationship with the slot machines, which like the worst of marriages continue on despite the profound resentment, but one that neither party has the courage to end.

I saw pain and not even winning 95 bucks at Black Jack made the experience in the least pleasurable. Leaving Las Vegas for sure - but would I ever go back?